((The first of my poems written after this blog was created. Trying something I haven't done before.))
Black Douglas took my heart
But never made it to Jerusalem.
So now it's lying buried
In a Melrose Abbey tomb.
No more flash of steel
To accompany the crack of wood.
Battle cries are silenced
Beneath such granite burden
As is borne by those
With the power to lead others.
Uphold their beliefs;
Fight for freedom.
Until flames are smothered,
Like all such brilliance must.
Hammer of England shall fall no more:
The world is darker for it.
Thus our failed crusade did end
Amidst the dying heat of a Spanish sun.
A lonely, loyal voice cries out
"Go first into the fight, brave heart,
As you have ever done."
1 comment:
Hey Jesse!
It's good. I like it. I especially like the first verse.
However:
You could probably get rid of a few connector words. "So" in verse one. "To" in verse two. (The tense of "accompany" would have to be changed.) Line 4 of verse 2 would flow better with "a" instead of "such," or even omitting the modifier.
However, in verse 4, you could use "the flames" and "must be." "The Hammer of England" (and probably 'will' is more correct than 'shall').
Verse five...um...line 1 is a bit redundant. "failed crusade did end" could probably be better represented as "Thus our crusade did fail" or some such. (Although that's awkward too.)
"Amidst the dying heat of Spanish suns" sounds better than "Amidst the dying heat of a Spanish sun" in my opinion.
What is verse three?
Last line works, but is a bit cliche.
Post a Comment